Prostate cancer survivor and his wife learn the true meaning of intimacy.
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Highlights
- Read the American Cancer Society recommendations for screening for prostate cancer. Click here.
- For more information about prostate cancer screening, click here.
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Like many prostate cancer survivors, Keith Laken worried that his treatment would mean the end of his sex life. And he was only 49. Now he knows it was just the beginning of true romance.
What the American Cancer Society recommends
For many cancers, one key to staying well is to get tested regularly to find cancer early, when it is most treatable. However, the American Cancer Society does not recommend routine testing for prostate cancer at this time. The American Cancer Society believes that doctors should discuss the pros and cons of prostate cancer testing with men at average risk so each man can decide if testing is right for him. If a man chooses to be tested, the tests should include a PSA blood test and DRE (digital rectal exam) yearly, beginning at age 50, for men at average risk who can be expected to live at least 10 more years.
For men at high risk, such as African American men and men who have with a close relative who had prostate cancer before age 65, this discussion should take place starting at age 45.
For men at even higher risk – those with several close relatives with prostate cancer at an early age – this discussion should take place at age 40.
It was 1995, and Keith and Virginia Laken were in their 28th year of a loving marriage. Then came the diagnosis of prostate cancer. Keith balked at the potential side effects of treatment, which include impotence. He very nearly chose to skip treatment rather than risk a diminished sex life.
Despite his reservations, Keith did go ahead with treatment – surgery to remove the entire prostate gland.
He returned to work, but not to sex.
The surgery was successful, and after 7 weeks Keith returned to work. Both he and Virginia assumed that he would have a quick return to sexual functioning, too. He didn’t. Four months without sex made Virginia appreciate the integral role sex had played in their marriage before the surgery. "Making love was what we did to reconnect when things weren't going well and how we celebrated when they were,” said Virginia. “Without sex, we had felt isolated from each other."
Professional counseling helped.
Five months after surgery, Keith started penile injections to help achieve an erection. Although the injections worked well, Keith and Virginia had to get used to the lack of spontaneity and face the reality of lifelong impotence. Keith also struggled with a loss of physical desire that affected more than their lovemaking. He was unhappy, negative, and angry.
Finally, Keith and Virginia consulted a psychologist who specialized in male sexual dysfunction. The psychologist assured them they were on the right path because they were talking to each other and sorting out their feelings together. He pointed out what they were doing right: They had acknowledged that their lovemaking needs had changed and that they had to become more creative.
The psychologist helped them further by encouraging them to focus on pleasure, not intercourse. He also helped Keith understand his lack of desire, explaining that men in his condition need to become more attentive to what their brains are saying versus what their bodies are saying.
Now the couple schedules “sex days.”
Keith and Virginia began, and continue, to approach lovemaking more deliberately with scheduled sex days. "We make sure our lovemaking takes place, even though our bodies are not driving us to make love – our minds are," said Virginia. "We realize that lovemaking is so important to our marriage that we set aside the time."
They wrote the book on making love again.
It took Keith and Virginia 3 years to reach their understanding and their solution. The difficulty of the journey prompted them to write a book, Making Love Again, and they now speak to cancer survivors all across the country about their experience.
"With persistence and redefining intimacy, you can have a wonderful relationship," said Keith, who remains cancer-free. "But keep touching, keep being intimate, keep making love, in whatever form lovemaking takes."
The American Cancer Society is in your corner around the clock to guide you through every step of the cancer experience. Whether it’s the middle of the day or the middle of the night, call us at 1-800-227-2345 or visit us at cancer.org.
"We realize that lovemaking is so important to our marriage that we set aside the time." – Virginia Laken
