Even though your husband or wife has cancer, your sexual relationship is still important – and so is communication about it.

Highlights To learn topics to help you communicate, click here. For more information about rekindling sexuality with a man who has cancer, click here. For more information about rekindling sexuality with a woman who has cancer, click here.

Sexuality is an important part of life. Having a sexual relationship and intimacy contributes to our zest for living and reminds us that we are truly alive. For someone in treatment for cancer, it can also be soothing and stress reducing. For that reason, it’s important for both you and your loved one to understand and address any barriers to resuming such a relationship.

Like all human relationships, communication is the key.

Communication may be the most important part of continuing or resuming sexual activity with your partner with cancer. Good communication, however, may be easier said than done. Some people, for example, are uncomfortable talking about sex even without the overlay of cancer treatment. But now may be a good time to develop a new level of intimacy and sharing with your partner. Without communication, you and your partner are left alone to cope with your respective feelings. And this can result in an isolation that may impact your future relationship. It’s worth the effort to try to engage in healthy communication.

Topics you may wish to talk about

The effects of cancer treatment that might impact sexuality

Learn as much as you can about the effects your loved one’s cancer treatment may have on sexuality. Together, talk with the doctor, nurse, or another member of the health care team. Then, you’ll be able to anticipate any issues that may arise and plan accordingly. Knowing what side effects to expect will help reduce anxiety, too – for both you and your partner.

The pleasure of sexual touching.

Few cancer treatments (other than those affecting some areas of the brain or spinal cord) damage the nerves and muscles involved in feeling pleasure from touch and reaching orgasm. This makes it worthwhile for people with cancer and their partners to try sexual touching. Pleasure and satisfaction are possible, even if actual intercourse is not.

Your ideas about sex

Many people have very specific ideas of what sex is. They may think sex means intercourse only, and if they can't have intercourse for some reason, then they can't have sex. This is a myth. In truth, sex is any kind of physical expression of intimacy – including kissing and sexual touching. Sex is one manifestation of our need for closeness, caring, and pleasure. Sex is whatever makes you and your partner feel pleasure and closeness. So try to keep an open mind about ways to feel sexual pleasure.

If you have preconceived notions about sex, it’s good to admit them, even if only to yourself. Getting over them will be easier if you can recognize them. Soon, you may find that you can also share them with your partner, who may have his or her own notions. Together you can shed those ideas that tend to separate you and replace them with physical expressions that bring you together – not only for right now, but also for the future.

Your fears and concerns

Sometimes, partners are fearful that they may harm their loved one if they have sex, so they don’t even broach the subject. Or they assume that their loved one is just not interested in sex because of having cancer. Certainly there will be times when the person with cancer will not feel like having sex, but sometimes the person may simply be afraid of intimacy because of the changes cancer has caused.

This is where a partner can be of great help. You can gently say things like "I really miss our sex life. Let's talk about what's getting in the way of our touching. I know that I worry I might hurt you. What things are worrying you?"

You might also say something like, “You know we don’t have to have intercourse, I just want to be close to you. How about if I massage your shoulders like you have always liked?”

Of course, you don’t want a sexual advance to come across as a demand. You can bring up the topic of sex in a healthy, assertive way, but it’s usually not helpful to accuse – "You never touch me anymore!" or demand – "We have to have sex soon. I can't stand the frustration!"

Instead, invite your partner to have sex. You might suggest that you “have a date.” It might simply be a candlelit dinner that you prepare with your loved one’s favorite foods. Then, you can segue into kissing or dancing or just touching.

As best you can, encourage your loved one to talk about his or her feelings. By communicating your own concerns to your partner, you give him or her a chance to open up to you.

Simple communication like this can open the doors to new and even better ways to experience intimacy and sexuality.

The American Cancer Society is in your corner around the clock to guide you through every step of the cancer experience. Whether it’s the middle of the day or the middle of the night, call us at 1-800-227-2345 or visit us at cancer.org.